Setting boundaries

I shared my struggles with writing the NSFC grant proposal to my psychologist, along with what I had written previously:

During the revision of the final version, I’ve changed many contents from following pipelines to combining more suitable methods for explaining more concrete phenotypes. But that was a hasty “sewing” rather than a series of well-thought-out and in-depth thoughts. I understand that there is still much time left for me to reconsider these things, but I have to write these “semi-manufactured” ideas as if they have already been considered thoroughly. The unreality makes me want to vomit.

She hit the nail on the head when she asked me what my role was in the grant. I hesitated for a moment and realised that I didn’t have one; I was only doing it because my advisor had asked for my help. She said, “if there was no position for you, then you had no responsibility in this grant proposal. You could separate it from your own project or the work you truly want to focus on.” Suddenly, I recalled the other personal issues we had discussed over the past few weeks. Although these problems seemed different on the surface, they all fell under the umbrella of “setting boundaries”.

The challenges I faced in managing my research and its related tasks could also be seen as a boundary-setting issue. I don’t have to take everything on as if it were my own responsibility—some of it simply isn’t. She added, “if you don’t learn how to go through the motions, life will be exhausting for you.” And truthfully, most of the time, I really don’t know how. But, yes, the work that isn’t originally mine and the people who impose social pressure on me should all be kept outside my own world. Building boundaries and walls to protect my inner peace from the things I dislike should be a priority. I’ve already started to address disliked relationships step by step and have made significant progress this week. I can also set similar boundaries between the work that brings me productive happiness (like Fromm’s concept of happiness) and the tasks assigned to me that don’t align with my preferences.

The feeling of writing the NSFC grant proposal is actually also similar to being involved in collaborations that don’t interest me. I usually immerse myself into these tasks unconsciously, unable to simply go through the motions, which is why I feel such a painful disconnect between the realities of the work and my own ideals. However, these tasks were never meant to be part of what my ideals should touch upon—they should be separated from my aspirations. Building and protecting the boundaries might do good to my mental health.

I’ve gradually come to realise that many seemingly unrelated issues are, from a broader perspective, essentially the same. Therefore, by making progress in solving one, I can eventually address all of them. Currently, the small achievements I’ve made in dealing with difficult family and friendship dynamics have given me confidence to tackle the challenges brought by my research work.