Writing NSFC grant proposal for the first time
2025-02-19 | Extracting what makes me uncomfortable
From the beginning of this semester, I have been writing and revising multiple sections for my advisor’s NSFC grant proposal, most of which were based on my published work and current projects. It was easy at first, perhaps because I was so familiar with what I had done and what I would explore later on. Elaborating these things was like extracting knowledge and experiences from my memory.
However, when I was required to write the background of some research fields that I hadn’t put much effort into, I began to feel somewhat stressed. I was fully aware that learning the current status of these fields would benefit my own research greatly, but under the circumstances of “showing off the importance of the project you want to apply for,” I felt uncomfortable almost as soon as I started writing these parts of the background. The feeling brought a sense of “fickleness” into my life, making me unable to focus on the things I’m truly interested in, like the course I have been learning for weeks, the new language I have been practicing for months, and the book I have started to read. I would say that I was totally trapped in the whole grant thing and began to lose my sense of control over my own life.
This condition may seem a bit odd if I take a step back and “watch” myself like a bystander. Though the task is time-consuming (as I am still working on the revision of my advisor’s final draft), I could definitely learn something from the process of preparing this grant proposal, and I also know that capturing the whole landscape of my projects could help me move forward with some new enlightenment. Why would such a thing suddenly become a true burden in my life? Do I care too much about the original purpose of doing things, instead of focusing on their actual content? I have to admit that I do hate “boasting” about things, although most people regard such behavior as normal “self-expressing”. Just like my mom once said: “If you never take the initiative to show off your accomplishments, how will others discover you?” Everyone thinks it’s right to do such things to gain grants, to socialize with others, and to fight for worldly awards. But I just dislike doing so. I can’t hide any of this feelings—not from my advisor, not from my fellows, and not from myself. But still, I have to finish the task no matter what I feel.
Another disappointing thing I recognized while revising the draft is that if I follow all the steps that my advisor can think of, I would be very miserable and pathetic. Similarly, I know I can learn much technological knowledge from finishing these steps. However, it’s like sticking to a pipeline that has already existed for years, with minor changes in the research objects and visualization methods of the upcoming results. I really want to do something inspired by my own thinking, instead of following a pipeline to correlate everything together using the same method. Correlation, correlation, correlation… I begin to feel sick just by seeing the word. It’s like using a simple and crude way, ignoring the structures of different data forms, to forcefully “create” associations as long as the experiments can validate them. But experiments are not the golden standard either, as we all understand how hard it is to make biological replicates of most experiments published before. I have to say, the whole thing is not creative work. It’s just inch-by-inch searching with a lot of effort and little true understanding.
During the revision of the final version, I’ve changed many contents from following pipelines to combining more suitable methods for explaining more concrete phenotypes. But that was a hasty “sewing” rather than a series of well-thought-out and in-depth thoughts. I understand that there is still much time left for me to reconsider these things, but I have to write these “semi-manufactured” ideas as if they have already been considered thoroughly. The unreality makes me want to vomit.
It’s so hard to behave like a so-called “grown-up” and to fit myself into the position required by society and the academic circle. I can’t live in a world where only what’s real is left, because such a world doesn’t exist. I’m also not quite sure about my potential for building my own project with enough creativity and truthfulness. At this point, I think of the lyrics that my favorite band, Black Box Recorder, once sang: “Life is unfair, kill yourself or get used to it.”
Actually, what is fair? Why does “fairness” only seem to favor those who are utilitarian, those who flatter their superiors, and those who are willing to boast about themselves?
Updated: 2025-02-21 | Finished writing, in a gestrue of refual to praise
After overhauling the whole document and uploading it this morning, I could feel something floating away from my body. It was like I had made a deep and thorough sigh that expelled all the air in my lungs. Also, maybe because last night’s sleep wasn’t very good, I slumped into a brain fog as soon as I closed all the relevant files. I can say I did my best to make the grant proposal more “meaningful” and “real” in my own dictionary. But I can’t decide the final look of it, as I’m not the one who will submit it to the NSFC.
About two hours later, when I put some bread and fruit I had just bought into the refrigerator in my advisor’s office, he stopped me and praised my revised content. “You’ve done quite a good job with the section ‘Research Content’.” He said it twice. That wasn’t the first time he spoke highly of my writing, but I guess I still felt awkward when others praised me like that. Last time when he said so, I merely nodded my head and barely squeezed out a word, “OK.” And this time, I avoided responding to his approval and quickly switched the topic to another section where I had done a complete makeover. “I haven’t read that part yet,” he answered. And I felt relieved upon hearing that, because no matter whether it’s good or not, I wouldn’t have to respond to any praise anymore.
If the thing he praised me for was something that I truly enjoyed doing, would I still feel awkward like that?